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Well, I’ve left Reflex now and am working in the office with Suzy to try and relieve the pressure a little. It’s weird working in an office, sat on my backside and typing up inventories and doing tenant refereneces. It’s never gonna be a long term thing, I’m not built for it. But for now, it will do nicely.

In lighter news, I proposed to Sam and he said yes!

Couldn’t be happier but it’s opened my eyes to who is really supportive and who is just an asshole. We’ve set the date for the engagement party and most people are excited but I am quickly realising, I have very very few true friends. Either way, I’m estatic. Screw the rest of them.

Best stop procastinating and do some work!

It doesn’t get easier, it doesn’t go away.
Part of me doesn’t want it to, because I would never forgive myself if it slipped my mind for even a second.
I just want to release the pain now.
Let it all go.
I’ve pushed so many people away, but in fairness, when I needed them, they couldn’t make the effort either.
Promises, promises.
Starting college again in September.
Hopefully I’ll be half decent, I could make something of myself.
Only bonus, only thing going right - Sam. Always Sam.
I couldn’t ask for better, except maybe fewer smelly socks?
Wishful thinking…

Well little one, you were due to say hello in a few short weeks. I guess god decided it was too soon for you. Every day I think about you. Every day my heart breaks over losing you. I will never stop loving you. You will always be in Mummy’s heart and soul. For the time being at least, the angels are looking after you. The angels will keep you safe until it is time for you to come back home to Mummy and Daddy and make our lives complete. We will always love and miss you unconditionally. I miss you every second of every hour of every day. Everything I do in life, I am doing for you, so that when the time is right for you to come back, you will have everything you need, and we will be ready for you. I love you so so much. Keep safe up there my beautiful baby. I’ll see you soon enough xxxxxxxxxxx

A realisation occurred to me a few days ago…. If it weren’t for everything I’ve been through, I wouldn’t be who I am today and I wouldn’t have what I have now.
January 2011 - james you broke my heart. I never thought I would trust again. You destroyed me.
June 2011 - wesley, you left for Australia and I felt abandoned. I had started to let you in and still you left.
October 2011 - James. I realised what are truly are. Your actions finally helped me to break an almost four year spell. Thanks to this, I met Sam.
Thanks to both of you breaking my heart, and taking a little piece of me, I learnt to grow. I became stronger than ever before. I learnt that I can never let a man treat me that way again.
Thanks to you, I learnt what it is to be happy.
I found someone who loves me just the way I am.
He stood by me through the hardest thing any couple could go through and he still wants me.
Yes Wesley, I’m glad you’re coming home, because as a friend I have missed you. But let’s face it, that’s all we ever really were. Friends. You never loved me and you only wanted me when you couldn’t have me. That’s not a relationship. That’s a battle.
James, you stopped loving me a long time ago and that is something I have come to accept. But that’s fine. Because I stopped loving you too. I was just too afraid to be alone.
Now I have the one thing I never thought I would.
I have never been happier.
Mr Phipps, thank you.

tomyhusband:

Put that shit down. Always. Nobody wants to see the splatter of your bodily fluids.

tomyhusband:

You’ll have to take it away from me, because I will never stop popping it.

tomyhusband:

C’mon dude, we’re better than that.

Ha.

After a major row with Emma I am now looking for somewhere new to live. I have no money, a crap job and no hopes. Things have got to get better, I can’t take this much longer. Got back in contact with MKay. I’ve missed her. Also got a bbq at Conor’s tuesday. Hopefully that will take my mind off things. Fingers crossed eh? Yeah yeah, toes too.

It’s an odd day.
I feel lost.
Something is missing and I don’t know what it could be.

I’m going back to college in September. I’ll do my access course and go on to do my degree in psychology and criminology.
I WILL ACHIEVE MY GOALS.
Even if it kills me trying.

I’ll prove myself.

Watch this space.

Ahhh photo shoot wednesday. So excited and nervous!!!

Well I guess you could say its all coming together. Start back at Reflex in Saturday, photo shoot on Wednesday, retake CBT soon, made it past specials assessment stage one, job lined up with Suzy when she’s ready for me. I’ve even chosen my degree. Fuck the haters, I’m proud. I’ve worked hard to stop from drowning in these emotions and I’ve done it. Almost. Yesterday was difficult, but I’m getting there. Need to get my life back on track! Can’t wait to get back to work…crazy, I know.

Date is set. Photo shoot 22nd feb. excited. Nervous. Terrified. Exhilarated. Brilliant.

Shoot soon. Nervous. Hope the agency likes it.

I’m not going bonkers, I’m just depressed. Told me because it’s mild to take St John’s Wart. Brilliant. I don’t have time for this! I’m pub sitting for a week, doing my specials training and my grandads books. I haven’t got enough hands! Ive never been so grateful for Sam. Poor lad doesn’t know what to do with himself. I’m not the same person I was. I still can’t get my head around the thought of going back to work. I just can’t face it. I don’t know what to do.

Well tomorrow Sam is taking me to the doctors.
They are all concerned about me and what is going on in my head.
I don’t even know right now.
On top of everything, Bobo had two babies. They both died during birth.
I don’t know how I feel anymore.
I’m drowning.

I’ve never been so grateful for the amazing true people I have in my life. You’re all amazing, I love you all. Thank you so much for being there for me always

In the last two weeks, I’ve been to hell and back. I’ve battled demons that I thought I’d never see again. After all that, I don’t think anyone can hurt me anymore. I feel strong again. I feel alive again and most importantly, I feel happy enough to follow my dreams. They may sound crazy, egotistical and a little bit fucked up, but it’s what I want to do. Two weeks ago, I lost my child. A child that I loved and still love. Regardless of how much it scared me, I wanted that baby, and I know that a part of me will never heal.
But I also know that things like that happen for a reason. Now is the time to work my chubby ass off, make a name for myself, do what I wanted with my life and prove to the world that when the time is right, and a baby does come along, that I’ll be the best mother on the earth.
I’ve also come to realise who I can count on to make it okay. Sam, for your support I’ll forever be in your debt. You know what you mean to me, I don’t need to write a million lines for you to read what you know.
When I think back over what I have been through in the past ten years, I don’t feel shame, anger, hurt or sadness. I feel pride that I overcame it all. That I’m still standing after everything. I don’t need to list what I’ve been through, true friends would already know it all.
I may be hurting after some of the things I’ve seen heard or been subject to, but I am a strong enough person to take it on the chin and deal with it, because I know that it has all made me who I am today.
There are certain people out there that I want to just grab and shake. Scream at them to pull it together and get a grip. I know what pain is, I know what hurt is, and I know that the human mind is built to deal with it.
Most people reading this wouldn’t have a clue what I’m talking about, but certain people do. Because they’re the ones that actually matter to me. That actually care.
In the past six months I’ve grown. I’ve become a better, harder person, a stronger person. Hit me with your best shot, because nothing can hurt me anymore. I’ve battled my demons, now it’s time for you to do the same. Don’t feel shame, there’s no need. If its the truth, then you know where I am. I don’t have time for liars .
I know that there is a certain person who will think this is all about them and their problems, but trust me, it’s not. It’s about every ‘friend’ who couldn’t be there when I needed them the most. Every ‘friend’ who pretended to know how I’m feeling, when they can’t.
People can take offence to this if they want, I never asked them to read it. But just remember, the next time you slate me, I’ve got ten on you love. I’m a better person, inside and out. I’ve done it all, and come out the other side ten times stronger than you could ever hope to be. You’re not that strong person you pretend to be. Half the time you can’t lift your own head enough to smile or laugh.
The day you can do what I have done and still have the day I had yesterday, full of laughter and love, is the day that you will know what pain is, hurt, devastation, anguish, fear but more importantly, pride and happiness.

It’s sunny outside and I have a gorgeous man in my bed.

Peace out fuckers.

You’ve got over two and a half GRAND in the bank, and you ant afford milk?!?!?! FUCK YOU!

I can feel him slipping. Even as we are sat here, watching rubbish movies and eating popcorn, I can feel it. He doesn’t feel the same and I don’t know how to fix it.

It’s weird.
I’m always the strong one.
I’m the shoulder you can cry on.
I pick people up when they are down.
I pretend it’s all okay.
I’ll make you laugh when your heart is breaking.
I’ll hold you tight when no one else can.
I’ll do anything to take away the pain, even if only for a little while.
I’m always okay.
It’s like I don’t feel pain.
I can hide it so well.
I can smile, and giggle, and make the jokes and be the class clown.
But I’m actually breaking.
This is breaking me.
I force myself to eat.
To just function.
I can’t do this.
I need you to be strong for me but I’m scared that if I break, everything will fall apart.
Including us.
If I lean on you, will you run?
If I cry?
If I show you just how I’m feeling?
I’m supposed to be so hard.
So unbreakable.
Unbeatable.
But I can’t do it without you.
Can you hold me up?
Can you honestly still love me the same?
I told you, life with me isn’t easy.
I’m crazy.
I’m horrible.
I’m a bitch.
But I do love you.
And I do need you.
I wanted that baby as much as you did.
I loved it like you did.
And it’s hurting me like it’s hurting you.
But I’m scared of hurting you in showing how it’s hurting me.
I just want you to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay.
Even if it’s not.
I just need to hear it.
I’m not sure if I can pretend anymore.
I need you.
But I’m scared.

Please please, just make it better?
I don’t want to loose you.
I love you.

I don’t know how to cope with the feeling. Heartbreak, grief, pain, devastation… It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I can handle physical pain but I wanted that baby so so badly. I loved it and it was taken before I even got to hear its heart beating. All of those people, who can have children and don’t deserve them. Who can kill babies in the womb and not bat an eyelid. I can’t let this break me. I know I will be okay but it’s not fair. It’s not and I don’t know how to make it better. How do you move on from something like this? I can pretend its all okay to get through the day but it isn’t and it doesn’t feel like it ever will be. As much as I try to keep busy I cant move fast enough, or do enough to distract myself. I’m home alone and I’m going out of my mind. I need Sam but he needs to be at home with his family. I know I should look to the future but it seems so far away. I wish I could just undo it all. Go back to three months ago. When I was happy and none of this had happened. But it’s never easy. Nothing ever goes right. I just have to pray that I don’t loose Sam over this. I couldn’t handle that too. I’m just loosing my mind right now…

Some people really annoy me.
Two faced much?!

Lately, I constantly want to cry. I’m always angry, so full of hate. I can’t stop it, the slightest things can tip me over the edge. I try to keep calm, to be myself and at least spare him from it. I know that if I keep this up I will loose him but I can’t help it. I want to be that girl I was in the beginning, but I don’t know how to get back there. I just want to scream or cry. I’m praying that this is a pregnancy thing, although I know it’s not fair. I hope he understands that I love him, I do want to be with him, I just need his support through this. My body is completely changing, my hormones have gone completely insane, everything in my life is changing. I just hope he can take it. Sam, I’m sorry. I do love you. Xxx

Twelve months ago, I never thought I’d be here.
I was with James, I thought I was happy.
I was studying for my A-Levels.
I was working for my mum.
I was riding Bruce daily.
It was snowing.
Mum and Steve weren’t yet married.
We lived in the Albemarle.

Damn how things have changed.

I’m now living with Emma.
I work in Reflex.
I’ve started tattooing.
I’ve got a cat called Bobo, and a rabbit called Frankie.
Mum and Steve are married, living in Ivybridge.
I have new friends.

Most importantly, I met Sam.

He makes me so so happy.
He takes my moods, my moaning and complaining, all in his stride.
I couldn’t thank him enough for what he has done for me.

I thought I was happy before, but now I know what happy is.

But the biggest change, I’m pregnant.
Sam and I are having a baby.
And I can’t wait.
It will be the hardest thing we have ever done.
We are far from prepared financially, but completely emotionally.

So excited!

Damn that advert for making me go all nostalgic….

You’ll probably never see this, this kind of thing will probably be obsolete by the time you’re old enough to use the Internet.
But I want you to know that I already love you with all my heart. You weren’t planned and we are far from ready for you, but that doesn’t matter to us. All that matters is that you’re safe and healthy.
Daddy and me may not have a lot of money, but we have enough love to last a life time and more. You’ll forever be our beautiful little baby.
I want you to know that no matter what happens we will both always love you. Things may get tough, but we will always be there to kiss those grazed knees better and hold your hand.
Daddy is 22, I’m on 19, but we know that we will do our best for you. Already to us you’re number one and you’re not even here yet!
At the moment, you’re safe in my tummy, and I will do everything I can to protect you whilst you’re there.
Already Nanny Lisa is buying you things for when you arrive, and you’re not due to show your beautiful face until July!
Already you’re proving to like your veggies, mummy is craving carrots!
I just know you’re doing to be a dear, beautiful little thing and I just can’t wait to meet you. I know for certain your daddy feels the same.
I love you, my little bump.
Already you have consumed me, you’re always on my mind.
I can’t wait to see your wonderful face for the first time.
Keep safe in there, keep strong and never forget what you already mean to so many people.

Love you always, mummy and daddy.xxxxx

It would appear that we’re gonna be having a baby…

Sam, thank you for making me so happy, but you’re taking up all the room in the bed!

OH MY GOD!

You are so fucking annoying!

If you weren’t so fucking fat and lazy we wouldn’t have a problem!!! How is it that you are incapable of washing the fucking dishes, let alone yourself!

Arg so angry with you!

You then have the nerve to mouth off at me about fuck all?!

FUCK OFF!

The sooner I am out of here the better.

You’re driving me crazy!

You know that moment when you really just need a certain someone and you can’t fuckin contact them at all? Drives you a little bit doolally…TURN YOUR PHONE ON BOOOOOOB…

Everything is completely different. So many new people have walked in to my life, so many I thought would never leave have run.

Twelve months ago I was sad. So so sad and vulnerable. I was trying to hold on to air by being with him, never accepting that sometimes you just have to let go. It took his final actions to let me walk and I am so grateful for the pain he put me through. 

It’s made me a stronger person, albeit a more weary and paranoid person. It has also allowed me to heal and grow and now I feel comfortable in myself. 

Wes, you helped me more than you’ll ever know because you helped me to trust again. I’ll always care about you, just not like I used to. Keep safe, don’t let the spiders beat you.

I’ve grown so much this year, I’ve left home, had a major bike accident, had a string of jobs until I found the right one. I’ve battled most of my demons, including the 6” blonde from York. When I look at what I have coped with this past year I am completely proud of myself. I know many others would of cracked.

Yes, at times I felt like I was loosing my mind but I haven’t. I’ve kept my cool and my head held high and I have done it. Regardless of what anyone says, I did it on my own and now I am sure that I can handle anything these next twelve months throw at me.

James, you left my life in a flurry of fights and backstabbing. The ground has settled now and I genuinely want you to be happy. If she is what makes you happy, then brilliant. You’re perfect for one another. 

Shanna, we grew part as soon as I moved back to Plymouth but over the past year I can see just how much. I want you to do well, don’t let Jake stop you from doing what you want to do, but be happy. You guys make the perfect couple and I will always be here for you when you need me.

My cadet kids, I hope you all realize why I had to go. I couldn’t stand the hypocrisy and politics. I love you all like you were my own family and I am so proud that I had the chance to see you all blossom from spotty young reprobates into lovely young adults. I’ll always be around for each and every one of you, whether you’re struggling with your school work, or just need an ear to listen. As always guys, I’m your mother hen and that will never change.

Many more have left or ‘flown the nest’, but so long as they are safe and happy, I will stay happy for them. I’ll always be here for everyone who has ever been a part of my life, regardless of how we have parted.

As I have grown, I have let go of so many important people and I know that if only I had chased them they would be in my life. Part of me does wonder why I had to be the one to chase though. Sometimes it’s just not possible to chase any longer, it’s not possible to keep hurting yourself over and over.

New people have entered my life and caused events that I never saw coming.

Emma, you were always a small part of my life but we were never close. Since I have moved in I have grown to know you as a person and I can honestly say I love you like a sister. I know we don’t fight, but we do disagree and I think it’s great that we can just talk, rather than scream at each other. Yes, you do my head in sometimes, but I know that no matter what happens you’ll be there if I need you. You’ve helped me to grow up and you’ll never realize it. So thank you babe.

The Smith clan, we may not be so close now that Wesley has left and I have moved on but I still see you as family and I know you all feel the same. I am so proud of each of you for doing what you want in life and never backing down. You’re an amazing bunch, never let anyone say any different and I am so pleased you are a part of my life.

Wes, obviously you made a big impact on my life. You showed me there can be life after James and that someone else could want me. That I’m not this disgusting evil person I thought I was. You do my head in sometimes because you never open up about how you feel and that is why we would never have worked. But thank you for showing me how it feels to be happy again. You will find your Mrs Right, whether it’s in Oz, Thailand or back here in good old Blighty. Just don’t rush it and you will be as happy as I am now. I’m so proud of you for doing what you always wanted, for following your dreams. Yes, it hurt me that you had to go but we would never have worked. We are just too different. I will always be here, as your friend, to give you a bollocking when you need one.

Conor, you’re crazy. You have lost two friends in order to be able to call me one. I am grateful for your friendship like you wouldn’t believe. I feel like I can trust you and the past couple of months has proven that. I know when you first met me you didn’t like me, you thought I was that evil bitch that he made me out to be and yes, I am that bitch, but I can be nice too. Thank you for letting me steal countless cheesy chips, and for letting me text you at 5am when I am bored out of my brain. My gay best friend that isn’t gay.

Sam. Damn boy, where do I start with you? You’ve turned my life upside down and inside out in a very short space of time. Even in my worst moods you put up with me and don’t snap. You even cope with my nocturnal lifestyle without complaining. You make me happier than I thought I would ever feel again but I have to admit, I am terrified that something is going to happen and it will all be snatched away. I’m so proud of you for the choices you have made lately and I know you will do what is best by us. I feel safe with you and like nothing can hurt me. What will I do without you? Just don’t hurt me, I don’t think I could take it! Thank you for coming in to my life and making me so happy. You have no idea what you mean to me.

I don’t think I would change anything that has happened in the past 12 months. Each event, argument, tear, smile and fight has made me who I am today and I am so glad that I have shared it with the people I have. You come to learn that it’s the ones who come into your life and stay that are the ones that matter. Those that leave, well, they should lock the door behind them because I don’t need that hassle any more.

Thanks for reading my mumbles :)

As I lay in my bed, I realise that you’re not worth it. You’re not worth the pain or destruction you cause. Maybe we are more alike than we first realised. Or maybe it’s all pretend. I know what I believe. I can’t wait for you to realise what you’ve done, how wrong you were about me. I’m going to break the mould, I’m gonna prove you totally wrong. And I feel a big FUCK YOU is in order lately… Time for a cuppa and a cig before I visit the land of nod. My time is far too precious to be wasted on you.

I won’t include a name, I do not want to be responsible for WW3.

I don’t think I could be more angry, more hurt.

You are a backstabbing bitch and have no right to comment on my life. You’re a hypocrite and you make me so disappointed. What right do you have to tell people of my life. Yes, I have done some bad things but I have learnt from those mistakes and they have made me a stronger person. You will never change. 

You make your life in to one big drama, when you have nothing to complain about whatsoever. You really don’t see how lucy you are. 

You are poison, two faced, and never again will I trust you. I love how you profess to love me and stand by me, yet use the internet to slag me off. Are you jealous because I am happy? Because I have found something with someone that you could never hope to find? 

You think you are so incredible because of all you have lived through, but darling, you need to remember that everyone has their own personal demons, we just don’t choose to broadcast them all over the web.

You need to grow the fuck up and get off your high horse. Yes, I am a bitch, but I trusted you and not once did I pretend to be something I’m not. 

YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY

Please, just stop trying to make my life difficult and remember that I know everything about you too. You’re not perfect, at least I never pretended to be…

There are a select few in my life who know the real me, and they mean the most to me. In my current frame of mind, I can’t help but think about those people. This is my way of saying thank you…

Mum-

Chances are, you’ll never see this, and part of me doesn’t want you to. You’re a crazy cow at times and you do upset me but I love you with all my heart. You’re not allowed to get old, you’re not allowed to leave me.<3

Mykaka-

I love you. You’re an asshole at times, but I love you. We are always at each other’s throats but you know me like not many others do and you still love me. I can run to you when there is no other way to turn and I know you will buy me a bar of choccy, stick on the kettle and be my rock. Thank you. <3

Conor-

You actually mean more to me than you’ll ever realize. You’re like that gay best friend that isn’t actually gay. I can tell you anything and even though it sometimes makes me the bad person, you’ve still stood by me. Chances are, you won’t read this either. <3

Rianna-

We can go for months without speaking to or seeing each other but I will always love you. No matter how many knives we have put in each other’s backs over the years, I know you’ve got my back covered too. I will always be here for you, sitting in the background, ready to wipe away the tears and get you wasted. <3

Kieran-

You’re my little man, my midget, my shortie. My lovely little brother who I would take a bullet for. I love you midget <3

Daddy-

I know you won’t see this, and I wish you could. You have helped me in so many ways and I am so so proud of you for all you have achieved in the past 10 years. You’re an amazingly resilient person and you have gained more in the past decade than most people could hope to their entire life. I love you Dad. <3

Emma-

You do my freakin head in most of the time, but we both know we couldn’t live without each other. You’re a great person, and the most hilarious flat me I could ask for. Thank you for taking me in. <3

Obviously, Sam-

Before you, where men were concerned, I didn’t want to know. I never saw this coming but I am so so grateful that it has. You’ve made me so happy and I will always be in your debt for that. Maybe I need some Mumilav ;) Our time together has been like a whirlwind, it’s all happened so fast that at times I have to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming. Thank you so much for making me so happy, and for making me trust so easily. I love you, I really do. I don’t know what more I can say…<3

with all of the above, I have had some pretty amazing memories, most of which are also embarrassing. I love you all.

Sam was here pimping out Jordan XD xxxx