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Fresh start…

Well, I’ve left Reflex now and am working in the office with Suzy to try and relieve the pressure a little. It’s weird working in an office, sat on my backside and typing up inventories and doing tenant refereneces. It’s never gonna be a long term thing, I’m not built for it. But for now, it will do nicely.

In lighter news, I proposed to Sam and he said yes!

Couldn’t be happier but it’s opened my eyes to who is really supportive and who is just an asshole. We’ve set the date for the engagement party and most people are excited but I am quickly realising, I have very very few true friends. Either way, I’m estatic. Screw the rest of them.

Best stop procastinating and do some work!

It doesn’t get easier, it doesn’t go away.
Part of me doesn’t want it to, because I would never forgive myself if it slipped my mind for even a second.
I just want to release the pain now.
Let it all go.
I’ve pushed so many people away, but in fairness, when I needed them, they couldn’t make the effort either.
Promises, promises.
Starting college again in September.
Hopefully I’ll be half decent, I could make something of myself.
Only bonus, only thing going right - Sam. Always Sam.
I couldn’t ask for better, except maybe fewer smelly socks?
Wishful thinking…

Well little one, you were due to say hello in a few short weeks. I guess god decided it was too soon for you. Every day I think about you. Every day my heart breaks over losing you. I will never stop loving you. You will always be in Mummy’s heart and soul. For the time being at least, the angels are looking after you. The angels will keep you safe until it is time for you to come back home to Mummy and Daddy and make our lives complete. We will always love and miss you unconditionally. I miss you every second of every hour of every day. Everything I do in life, I am doing for you, so that when the time is right for you to come back, you will have everything you need, and we will be ready for you. I love you so so much. Keep safe up there my beautiful baby. I’ll see you soon enough xxxxxxxxxxx

A realisation occurred to me a few days ago…. If it weren’t for everything I’ve been through, I wouldn’t be who I am today and I wouldn’t have what I have now.
January 2011 - james you broke my heart. I never thought I would trust again. You destroyed me.
June 2011 - wesley, you left for Australia and I felt abandoned. I had started to let you in and still you left.
October 2011 - James. I realised what are truly are. Your actions finally helped me to break an almost four year spell. Thanks to this, I met Sam.
Thanks to both of you breaking my heart, and taking a little piece of me, I learnt to grow. I became stronger than ever before. I learnt that I can never let a man treat me that way again.
Thanks to you, I learnt what it is to be happy.
I found someone who loves me just the way I am.
He stood by me through the hardest thing any couple could go through and he still wants me.
Yes Wesley, I’m glad you’re coming home, because as a friend I have missed you. But let’s face it, that’s all we ever really were. Friends. You never loved me and you only wanted me when you couldn’t have me. That’s not a relationship. That’s a battle.
James, you stopped loving me a long time ago and that is something I have come to accept. But that’s fine. Because I stopped loving you too. I was just too afraid to be alone.
Now I have the one thing I never thought I would.
I have never been happier.
Mr Phipps, thank you.

Here we go again…

After a major row with Emma I am now looking for somewhere new to live. I have no money, a crap job and no hopes. Things have got to get better, I can’t take this much longer. Got back in contact with MKay. I’ve missed her. Also got a bbq at Conor’s tuesday. Hopefully that will take my mind off things. Fingers crossed eh? Yeah yeah, toes too.